*TW self-harm
It is important that we share our experiences with other people; your story will heal you and your story will heal somebody else.
When you tell your story, you free yourself and give other people permission to acknowledge their own story.
Sometimes getting hurt is a necessary path in life, but I will not deny myself of this experience.
I am learning that difficult roads will often lead to beautiful destinations and no beauty shines brighter then that of a good heart.
THIS IS MY STORY
Once upon a time there was this girl who lost herself, she cried every night, cut herself and starved herself.
The scariest part is the realization that I am losing myself…of course this doesn’t happen all at once.
You lose a piece here, you lose a piece there, you slip, you stumble, and you adjust your grip, and a few more pieces fall, BUT it happens so slowly that you don’t even realise you’re broken until you already are.
Some might say that I’m over sensitive, some might say ‘just pull yourself together’, AND some might say ‘follow your heart’, but only if you could look deep within.
A fake smile is the best makeup anyone can wear, but behind this well-hidden smile is a girl who is breaking at the seams.
You can’t see that my heart is shattered into a million pieces, you can’t see how battered and bruised I am.
Every part of me is broken and it is incredibility exhausting so I’m sorry that I can’t just pull myself together.
THIS GIRL IS ME
Depression is a world.
Depression leaves you lost.
Depression drops you into a never-ending black hole.
Depression leaves you numb with fear.
Depression leaves you with no ambition, and nothing to look forward too.
Tears will well your eyes, depression will leak out, out into the open.
Depression is a war battle against yourself.
Depression is a murder; it killed the girl I use to be and all I see is this thing.
Depression is a zombie, I’m alive but feel dead, I am the walking dead.
Depression is a nightmare; I wake up to HELL every day.
Seriously, what have I done in life to deserve all this pain; the pain becomes more and more unbearable where I give myself all the pain thinking a deserve it, then I ask myself WHY ME.
As the feelings of darkness continues to consume me it will remove me of everything I once had.
Depression stole:
My friends
My motivation
My future
My life
ME
On the 27th February 2015 I was admitted into hospital where I was diagnosed with severe depression and Anorexia.
Nobody said recovery would be easy; recovery is a process, it takes time, a lot of patience and it takes everything you’ve got.
Sometimes the strongest people are the ones who love beyond all faults, cry behind closed doors, and fights battles that nobody knows about.
The hardest part is to get to that point of asking for help.
Never underestimate the difference you can make in the lives of others; so step forward and reach out.
I have overcome so much in the past 8 years, and I didn’t think I would get to where I am today.
I had to jump out of my comfort zone and take a huge risk to become the person I am today.
I had to face my fears head on and say to myself that ‘I have got this; life will get better’.
I started my new journey back in 2017 when I started volunteering in the café at Cabbages and Kings within The Mix.
The staff helped rebuild me, they helped me to believe in myself, and with every new day my personality started to shine through, don’t get me wrong I still had my bad days, but the good days were becoming better, and I could finally see some light.
With every new day I grew as a person and all my hard work was about to pay off where I was offered a part time job as a kitchen assistant.
As the years went on, I continued to grow, going from kitchen assistant to kitchen supervisor to becoming Café Lead last year (2022).
At last, I was beginning to win in life, I was finally climbing back up that ladder and was achieving my goals.
I often look back and reflect on how my life has changed; I have had to rebuild a new identity as the old me has gone, and it was an ongoing battle throughout all these years, but I can finally say that I am happy, and I am a better person.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank all The Mix staff and all the team at Cabbages & Kings for this amazing experience.
You helped me to achieve my goals and I am now moving forward and am following my heart as I have been given the dream opportunity to become a mental health recovery support worker.
I am sharing my story to help others and show that you can achieve anything in life.
Recovery has been a real-life style change BUT I can say that I am a survivor, and you can to.
Nobody can go back
AND
Start a new beginning
BUT
Anyone can start today
AND
Make a new beginning
